October 7th, 2005

Current Music: stretch armstrong. Subject: Good things now, instead hell of my emotions. Time: 02:23 pm

I feel alot better about everything. All i really had to do was just , i guess let go fully. So i did, and now we just do our own thing. But note, i will not let this happen again. This is done with completely, i am gone as are you. On a better note, new car. There's this person who i do particularly like. She is crazy, but kick ass. It's been pretty cool cool. Umm well i still got some shit to figure out, so it's not all completely calming. But yeah, goodbye now.

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October 2nd, 2005

Current Music: stretch arm strong Subject: Interesting Time: 12:38 am Current Mood: mellow

Why would this be happening now? Why would you ask me that question? Does this mean something might be restarted with us, that should have actually happen years ago. I dunno, i guess the only thing we can do is see what will come of this. We know each other extremly well, so that won't be an issue, but what will? I don't really see naything that could stop us, or cause a problem. Hmmm when we see each other, we shall see how this will work. But there's still that whole "odd" phase. I dunno. We'll see.

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September 27th, 2005

Current Music: weezer Subject: Is this the end? Time: 11:33 pm

Well to say the least things have been way way fucking different. It's been pretty much like a half assed friendship, almost. I mean i haven't actually talked talked to you, in a good few days, i do understand that you have been staying at other people's houses and such, but i mean a little conversation at night wouldn't hurt. But i dunno, it's been a fucked up like week or so, so we'll see how things go later on. I dunno, i wanna give you your space and all, but at the same time, when we do that, it's like were just loosing touch. And this time it seems for good. I don't wanna be like that. I don't wanna just be like in a year, ohh shit i rememeber her, i don't wnat that bullshit to happen with us. But one person can't do this alone. Its for both of us to do. Well i'll definatly be back to write more later. Bye.

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September 16th, 2005

Current Music: silence Subject: did i fuck up or what? Time: 12:05 am Current Mood: awake

Hmm i'm really sure what to say about this? I mean yeah i did over react, but do you blame me? I mean fuck! To read something like that, it's only natural to react the way i did. You've done the same damn thing, so you really can't be that mad at me. But i'm still gonna go off and say you are. I don't really know whats gonna become of this, you said you wanted to talk, yet here i am, and where are you? I'm waiting, but i don't know for how long. I called you once, and there was no answer, and not a call back yet. I was really loving how things were going between us, too. It was so great. But obviously you had something else on your mind, well i guess more of a someone else. All i want from you, is to be completely honest. I just wanna know, yeah i may get upset, but fuck it's life. Just tell me whatever it is, you want. The thing i will do is support you. I love you. I want to talk to you. We need to talk. I just want everything to be ok, none of this bullshit anymore. Just to be o-fucking-k. Ok I love you, bye.

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September 13th, 2005

Current Music: thrice Subject: what will happen Time: 10:49 pm Current Mood: crappy

I was thinking today, about us. What's gonna happen later down the road? I mean, how long are our feelings gonna be like this? Is there really a point. It's almost like were prolonging the inevitable. At this age nothing really last's, but your true friends, and sometimes those don't even last. We could never be just friends, ever. It's just not how it works, so as i sit here now, feeling like you don't really give a shit, i just wonder. What will become of us. Something great, or just nothing at all.

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September 7th, 2005

Current Music: the smiths Subject: You Time: 02:06 am Current Mood: bouncy

I love you so incredibly much. It amazes me, in all honesty.

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August 29th, 2005

Current Music: boys night out Subject: talks that might be remembered Time: 04:58 pm Current Mood: confused

Well, i finally let it all out. Everything that was on my mind, just came out. First it was in a bad way, cause of the way i was feeling toward you, and the thoughts that were going through my head. But we finished the conversation later, and actually talked. I'm glad for that. Now as for you, i don't know what i really think about this, about you. I have these feelings that are there, but don't wanna be. Like it's wrong to feel this way. I can't help but be mixed up in everthing about you, your so awesome, music, movies, personality, fucking addorible. But do i need this right now? Is there some reason i met you now, some reason i started hanging out with at this point in time? I even feel somewhat nervous aroung you. Odd things are happening. I like you, but i love you. Why? Hmmmmm.

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August 23rd, 2005

Current Music: bayside Time: 02:49 pm Current Mood: exanimate

Hmmm what to make of my thoughts. Alot of the time i don't know what to make of them. I feel so lost in my own life. Is that suppose to happen? Am i not suppose to know where my own life is going? Well i don't know, obvisouly. But i need to start to try and figure that out. I need to figure out my emotions, my goals, my plans, and just my life. This is a tough task to do, and i don't even know where to begin. So until i do, i'm just a lost casue........

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August 21st, 2005

Current Music: fear before the march of flames Subject: choices to make Time: 03:56 pm Current Mood: apathetic

Do you want to continue it this way? The way it is right now certain people, if it happens, won't be able to deal with this in any kind of good way. Fuck i'm not dealing with this in a good way. I don't really know what to think, at all. It's like having you right fucking there, but not being able to touch you. Like your in a glass room, and i'm on the outside, just wanting to but you not knowing. We need to talk about this. Tonight, we need to talk about this. If we don't then it will just build up, and then ca-boom. I don't want the ca-boom to happen. I just don't fucking know..............

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August 17th, 2005

Current Music: 311 Subject: why Time: 01:06 pm Current Mood: thoughtful

Why do i lye there at night, just thinking about you, and how this just doesn't seem all that right? Am i suppose to be like this? Do you do the same? Why do i miss you so much? Every night when i lye down to go to sleep, i just think about, how you might not ever be lying next to again. There so i can hold you, be next to, feel the comfort of your beatiful body.Why do i feel so empty? Why will you probobly never know this? Do it have to be this way? I don't want it to. God i miss you.........

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August 15th, 2005

Subject: about the one right before this. Time: 11:13 pm

BOY WAS I WRONG!

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Current Music: rufio Subject: Things Time: 11:05 pm Current Mood: crushed

Hmmmm, i don't think this is gonna be an emo entry. I could be wrong though, it could start to drift. Ahhhhhhhhhhh. Well, i don't really know what to write tonight, but i will write something. You, you don't really know the way anyone looks at you. You don't know what they, think, you can only assume. You could think that they really like you, but in reality there fucking with you. It's pretty gay, but ya really can't do anything about it. See sometimes that what i think with you. I can never honestly know what your thinking, or what you think about me. I can only go by what you tell me. I do believe you all the time though. I trust you with everything i have, which i know is the same for you. But whats gonna happen, when you leave and then come back? Will you tell me everything you did? Or will you keep, what you know i would get upset about, to yourself and anyone else who knows. I don't want that at all. These are things to think about.........

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August 14th, 2005

Current Music: strech arm strong Subject: the car Time: 09:23 pm Current Mood: curious

The car hit me, alot sooner than i thought it would. I didn't even know if it would hit at all, but it has, andi know i don't help by thinking about you, the way i do. Were gonna be ok, though. I know this. We love each other to much to lose one another, or let anything bad happen to our relationship. This had to have happend for a reason. The way we both were thinking about it, around the same time, the way we were both gonna say something on the same night. But i don't know how i'm gonna take it, if you find someone new. What if that happens? I know i won't act right about it. I will hate it will all my heart, i will be crushed. I will feel like it just never matterd. No matter what i actually know, i will feel this way. Please don't let that happen.

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Current Music: poison the well Subject: devistation Time: 12:51 am Current Mood: complacent

The devistation i awaited hit me tonight. This might be the end of "US" but not of me and you. We talked about it, and had the things we have been waiting to say, the things that flusterd us, came out. In a perfect manner though. The emotions ran high, and we both felt the same thing, about it. But we knew it was coming, we knew it had to be done. I don't really know what to take of this, as it goes from here. How things will pan out, if things just happen again, or if we maintain, an amazing relationship of being freinds. I don't really know. I do have a feeling though it will pan out just perfectly, the way it should be. The way it was intended. I do love you just as much as i did, before. That certainly won't change at all. I feel good about this, for right now at least. In a few days i might be just like a plastic cup, that has been crushed on the freeway. But until the car mashes me, I'm good. I love you.

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August 13th, 2005

Subject: if your bored..... Time: 04:45 pm

Don't mean to scare you but i, i've not been sleeping lately and phone calls aren't doing much to help. So if it's all the same i, just ask and never to, offer explaintion or excuse again. Make believe everyday, we make our lives seem like were still worth living, when we find out in the end, it's only us that we've been kidding. So find the darkest place and search under blankets for me, summthering myself in this darkness. I am lying down tonight and your not lying with me, well honestly doesn't sit so well on you, some things you just can't fake.Make believe everyday, we make our lives seem like were still worth living, when we find out in the end, it's only us that we've been kidding. Just another stupid drama, that no one notices but you, and you only take an inch left, when there's nothing else to do. But you won't mind, away from all of this.

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Current Music: bayside Subject: better thoughts Time: 04:31 pm Current Mood: tired

Today, i have had alot of better thoughts on the situation. I hope it lasts for awhile though, unlike the others that don't last for shit. I just hope it does, cause i really don't know how much more i can take, of feeling this way, or just having shitty thoughts. It's worth it though for the feelings i get right now, or when everything just seems so damn perfect. Is that the only reason, i deal with it? Maybe, maybe not. I would have to guess yes though, casue the feelings are so amazing. We will just see what happens in the future i guess, thats all we can do. Just wait.

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Current Music: northstar Subject: ? Time: 12:54 am

I don't really get how things can go from, fucking amazing to just completly shitty and lifeless. Why do they change in just an instance? Maybe this isn't the way it's suppose to be. Maybe it should just be done with. I've been thinking about that alot lately, unfortunatley. I just don't understand, the actions that come from you, or what really goes on in your head. I don't get how your mood can just suddenly change, when i maintain the same iether good, or whatever it may be. I understand you have reason's and things that just set you off, but why me? Why do i get to hear all about it in the worst fucking way possible? I would want you to be the last person, i yelled at for something that wasn't even your fault. I just have alot of thinking to do, about this whole thing, so far it just looks like this shouldn't be. Unless you change something. I've tired my hardest to change what i can. But still it isn't enough. I do love you soo much, but i just don't know.

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August 11th, 2005

Current Music: jamisonparker Subject: Completely at a loss Time: 12:30 pm Current Mood: distressed

Wow, you have really confused me this time. I don't even know what the hell is going on, all i know is i have some how managed to piss you in an extreme way. I'm sorry for whatever i did. You just completely turned it around on me, one second it seemed like it was fine and then the next, your not answering my calls, or anything. I hope this comes to pass, cause i would be utterly crushed if it did not. Figuring things out. But what, and why??!?! Who fucking knows, but you. I just wish i could know too. For this day to even go remotely good, all i need is one call. Just one. From her, and then i will know what has brought this. But until then, the feeling of hurtfulness, just hangs over my head, like a motherfucking mistletoe. This day will be shit. And i have to go to work later.

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August 10th, 2005

Current Music: stretch arm strong Subject: confusion Time: 10:39 pm Current Mood: confused

I don't really know what to think from you alot of the time. Your pretty much just up and down, things i can't help or even help you with. It just happens, and it's hard to tell what your thinking. Signs just point to there's something wrong, but you don't seem to wanna share it with me, or are to afraid to. Well you don't have to be afraid, i'm always here for you. I love you so much. I don't want anything to happen to us, but then again there are just those things that i can't help, and if it does all i can do, is accept it. It's too hard to be in the dark most of the time, i can't stand it, and i wish you would just figure things out, or get over whatever it is your thinking about. One day, if you don't get over it, i'm just going to explode, and i don't want that to happen. I love you, i hope you figure things out and all is good.

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